How I stop feeling like I’m not supposed to be here
// Disordered eating, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts,
For a long time, I’ve been feeling that I shouldn’t be around. Not in the sense that I did something wrong, or that I’m a burden, as I do try my best to be a good friend to as many people as I can, alongside being a moral-fulfilling person. Moreso, I feel this in the sense that I feel like I should have died in place of someone else.
Without repeating stories I have already covered (see ‘Thinking on the Past’), I lost one of my very close friends when we both would have been very young, and it still feels surreal to be much older than him now. All this being said, I woke up [yesterday] thinking that he was alive for some strange reason, even after nearly 10 years now it’s weird to imagine that he’s still watching over me somehow after everything.
It’s selfish and (more importantly) impossible, but I want him back. I half-heartedly want both a normal life and to be reassured and adored constantly. For a long time I genuinely was suicidal, and, in all honestly, I thought I would pass away younger, maybe 14. I would self-harm, I would drink from my parents who didn’t, I would binge, I would then not eat for days, I would go out of my way to see awful things. I thought that if I couldn’t get better I could only get worse, stupidly so. I wish that everything I have lived through and will have to live through would just fix itself & that I am not, irreparably, set up for the disappointment of others and secondly myself.
So message someone anything. It doesn’t matter what or how or if it even has great significance, just send them anything and think about how things would change without your smallest conversations. If you didn’t go out of your way to do that, not much would change, but maybe they’d smile, or frown, or be shocked, or make an odd face at it. Try picturing them if you can and how their reactions might look on them. I do this on myself every few mornings, training myself for the day due to my ego-debilitating lack of photogenics: how do I want to look, how do I get what I want, how will it change others.
On that, let yourself change a bit. Allow yourself to be molded by your friends and your most hated peers at the same time. Find what you like and recognize, and try playing into it around new people, see if it works. Right now, I find that I am socially attracted to people who are more open, carefree and outgoing than I am. Admittedly, I want to be that way very badly, though it doesn’t come naturally to me.
And if you ever feel too awful for yourself to handle, count how many fingers you have on each hand, and call someone you trust. It sounds stupid, but I find it works quite well. Feel free to steal that one.
I’ll end with that and, on a lighter note, say goodnight! Sleep well tonight and don’t stay up too late like I did (whoopsie).
txto