//SA

I know he was bad for me, and we were horrible for each other, but I keep looping back around to the fact that I want Jack back. I shouldn’t want him, considering how he hurt me badly so long ago, but I can’t help it.

I don’t even want him for romance; he was never like that for me, but I can’t help but feel like I need him. I know he had a thing for me, which I was ignorant of because I felt nothing like that for him. I suppose, in a weird way, he was bound to do what he did eventually.

In the early part of the night, during his birthday party sleepover, my ex-friend Jack snuck over top of me and just waited. Waited for me to wake up, waited for me to scream. I didn’t. The only comment I remember from him is when he said I should “see the look on my face.”

Later that night, Jack raped me. There’s no real way to move around that gracefully, nor eloquently. To make a long and personally-sexually-exposing conversation significantly shorter, I will (for obvious reasons) skip the further graphic details and get to the actual aftermath.

When I woke up, I had gone to the washroom in his house, just to sit anywhere away from him. Because, reasonably, I did not feel safe around him: because I wasn’t. He was always desperate, but I hadn’t expected him to ever act so irrationally, despite his ego and emotional immaturity. Regardless, when I went to head back downstairs after waking up sometime around 1am, his mother stopped me on the stairs:

”You’re bleeding”

I was not, but she continued to insist it to me, changing the details when she discussed this to my parents, claiming I was merely ‘feeling sick.’ And though I know what I’m about to say is irrational, I can’t help but wonder if his parents were in on his rape plan too. There are many smaller details I didn’t mention that his parents would have known from prior interactions (mainly my throat closing up due to pineapple, which Jack pretended that I liked).

Regardless, after my seemingly endless personal ramble, you’re probably wondering what the point of this post is, at least I assume so. I’m wondering, since I assume others have gone through friend-breakups even more emotionally complicated than mine: how do you all deal with the ‘getting over them stage,’ because, personally, I feel like I’ve been emotionally ‘stuck’ this way for years

Cheers to us though


txto