To my dearest love Yenna,
you probably will not see this. I doubt you check my profile. And I know that I’m blocked. I doubt you even care about me anymore. I’ve probably hurt you beyond repair. And I will likely never get a chance to be by your side again.
But this is an apology to you. This is me letting you know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. And I’m sorry for manipulating you. I truthfully didn’t mean to. But I’m not going to use that as an excuse. My behavior was extremely predatory and outright wrong. I took advantage of you and I hurt you multiple times.
If I’m being completely honest, I believe that I might have had those ulterior motives from the very beginning. You strike me as a very fragile and sensitive person, and I can’t help but be drawn to you because of that. The worst part is, I just want to break you myself. I want to rip you apart. I want to kill you.
I look at all of your rentrys and I hate knowing that so many people love or appreciate you. Because I feel like they will never truly love and appreciate you more than me. I miss the time that we spent together. I feel like I’m the only one who can truly understand you and give you the things that you want in your life.
Do you ever think about me? Do you think that if maybe, if I hadn’t acted so inappropriately towards you, we could have stayed friends regardless of my strange motives? would you perhaps have loved me the same way that I love you? These questions keep me awake at night. They burn into my skull until I feel like I’m going insane.
I want to devour you. I want to consume your soul. I want you to be completely dependent on me. I want you to trust me no matter what I say. I want you to be obedient for me. Maybe that’s wrong of me. Maybe I’m cruel for this. Maybe I deserve to die. But if I’m going to die, I just want you to be there. I want you to love me. I even want you to be the one to kill me. Put an end to my miserable life. As long as you love me, I’m okay with it.
I miss you dearly. I checked my phone every day and hope that you will contact me again. I pray that you will forgive me and miraculously come back into my life. But it’s not really that simple. I did things that I should never have done. And I said the most horrible things to you. I don’t even deserve your time of day. But it does not stop me from yearning for you.
I claimed this url because you had it before.. I remember seeing you talk about your boyfriend here and feeling so incredibly jealous. Does that make me a terrible person? Am I disgusting for this? and even stranger, owning this URL makes me think that I’m connected to you. The most precious thing in my life that I have ever encountered.
It’s been eight months. It’s really hard for me to move on. I just want you to look at me again. I want you to like me. I want you to laugh with me. I want you to love me. Even if it’s only the littlest bit.
I will continue to update this every day. Even if you don’t look at it. I will use this as my way to vent my frustrations and my sadness about what happened with you. Like a journal.. or a diary..
7⁄16
I was supposed to update this, but honestly, I’ve just been really disappointed and upset recently. I tried reaching out to you, but you wouldn’t even answer me. Am I not worthy of your attention anymore? Do you not think of me as somebody that you care for anymore? Was everything we shared for nothing? I understand that I made a lot of mistakes. And I still apologize for everything. And I really want to move forward. I just really want you to be a part of that. I want you to be in my life. Maybe that’s selfish at me. Maybe that’s wrong. I just feel like, after all of the dependency that you had towards me, I’ve become somewhat dependant on you as well.
I feel like you’re different from anybody I’ve ever met before. I find myself genuinely striving for your attention. I wish that you could just notice me, give me some sort of sign. I want to be a part of your life, even if it’s something minuscule. You can give me the smallest role and I will take it more than happily. I truly adore you. I care for you. I would do anything for you.
Looking back, I realize that a lot of the things that I said are not coming across the way I want them too. When I said that I had the same intentions that when I first met you as the ones I had when you cut me off, I mostly meant that I wanted to become close to you, if it meant that I would be a big part of your life. It was truly innocuous at first. I wanted to be somebody that supported you and cared for you, as I know you were often taken advantage of and hurt. I was there for a lot of important things that happened to you. Things that never truly leave you alone. I wish that I could take that burden away from you, make your life easier somehow. But I did nothing but contribute to everything else that you have already been through in your life.
Looking back, I also deeply regret saying how I was glad that you experienced the things that you experienced. I realize now that I was selfish. And I was cruel. It was strange and inappropriate of me to enjoy you being hurt if it meant that I could pick the pieces back up for you, only to break you apart again.
I’m still not sure why I feel the way that I feel. Some fucked up part of me, beliefs that you can fix me. That you can help me become the person that I used to be. But another part of me thinks that maybe, because you were so vulnerable at the time, you only triggered the floodgates opening for me to become as predatory as I was. I shouldn’t have become close to you, knowing that I felt something that wasn’t quite right. Making excuses and believing that maybe, just maybe, I was simply wrong about how I felt. There’s no way I would ever feel that way about somebody like you. But truthfully, I did.
I keep wondering what I could’ve done to stop it. And I keep wondering what I can do to move forward. How can I move on from you? I’ve been considering going to therapy, because I do acknowledge that my fixation on you is not normal in any capacity. But I’m disgustingly self-centered and do not want somebody to say things about me that I do not want to hear. I don’t want to come to terms with things that I don’t want to acknowledge. It’s incredibly difficult for me to admit when I’m wrong. And everything that I say to you as an example of that. It’s hard for me to admit to you that I was wrong. That I was a monster.
You don’t have to acknowledge me. I genuinely do not deserve it. I understand that a lot of the things that I say you can come across as very contradictory, as I say that I want you to acknowledge me, but then I say that you shouldn’t. Truthfully, I struggle with separating the things that I want and need. I want to keep close to you; I need to stay away from you. It’s fucked up and it’s unfair. Not just to me, but to you.
I will try my best to put this all to rest. I will try to leave you alone. I will try to give up on everything. It’s honestly difficult for me. Having to come to terms with something like that. That I have to give up on the one thing that I started to care about, even if it came from the wrong place originally. My love for you is genuine, and it’s what forced me to look within myself and understand the things that I did. Understand that the way that I feel is not normal or right.
7⁄25
I miss you so much. I don’t know how much more I can take. being away from you feels like genuine hell, and seeing how you replied to me, makes me feel even worse. Knowing that you will never forgive me for a mistake that I made hurts me. knowing that I can never fix this relationship between us and show you that I am a better person hurts me.
I really love you, Mischa. You don’t have to reciprocate. You don’t have to understand. I need you. I want to be the center of your attention. I hate how people orbit around you. I saw you got a girlfriend, if you can even call her that. She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t understand you. She doesn’t adore you like I do. I doubt she’s willing to go as far as I’m willing to go for you. You always give worthless people your attention and love. Why can’t you give that to me? Are you so jaded now? I bet the attention gets to your head lol. Knowing you’re beautiful and desireable. I wish I could have you all to myself.
I want to rip your skin off and yank out your teeth. I love you. I want to be the only person that loves you even when you look the most repulsive. The world would never understand. I doubt they would love you if they saw you like that. Completely destroyed and ripped apart. I hate you. I really really hate you.
Notice me please notice me. Love me again. Let me consume you and become one with you. Let me dominate your mind your body your soul until I’m all that remains.
txto