I will not name any names other than my own and Tommy’s throughout this message

Most of you are aware of what happened with Tommy, but I’ll clarify here just in case. A mod was screensharing Tomodachi Life and the f slur came up on screen, something that mod themself can reclaim but, obviously, is against the rules of the server. The issue with that (..or lack thereof) is that they did not intend for that to show up, and for that reason, I and other staff also in the VC didn’t say anything, because that did not warrant warning them or anything.

Tommy made it clear that she had an issue with this and had to have our reasoning for not taking action explained numerous times. That in itself can be understood, even if frustrating or even annoying, but she also went on to make it a public issue and take conversation of it to staff DMs abruptly (specifically to staff that.. wasn’t……directly involved at all I still don’t know what that was about). She made remarks like screenshotting the staff member’s message request to her in media, expressing that she was worried/afraid, among other things to make it very, very clear where she stood on the situation. This led to more conflict and discomfort between the initial staff member and Tommy herself.

I personally decided to send Tommy a message through the DMs of the staff member that she was contacting throughout the situation, letting her know where we stood in terms of how she acted during the situation, and ultimately made the decision as well to mention other issues we have been having with her that have had a similar effect on people. This didn’t go over well as in the end, she left the server and believes me to have been victim blaming.

From here on out this is the important part that I need you to read.

Now, do I understand Tommy’s perspective in thinking I was victim-blaming? Do I agree or fully understand with how she handled and talked about ANY of this? Absolutely not! :skull: and I’m going to be honest with all of you right now and say that I found it greatly frustrating and nearly sent a follow-up message that I begun to regret the second I had cooled off a little. However, do I have to understand where she’s at for how she’s feeling to still be the way she’s feeling?

No. I don’t. I don’t have to be getting exactly where she’s coming from to still understand and tell myself that she is feeling these things that, even if I don’t like it or agree or get myself, even if I find it frustrating or annoying, she is still feeling those things and that is valid whether I like it or not and whether you like it or not.

This is what I mean to talk about here.

Throughout this entire situation, a lot of the mods’ discussion about it (alongside my own discussion about it) derailed quickly into just.. talking shit about her. I don’t personally have the biggest problem in the world with getting into the issues we’ve all been having with a member, that’s fine and I have nothing against anybody for it (not like I can talk anyway) but my problem is that it DEFINITELY got in the way of how the situation was handled. In trying to stop her from what we perceived as her demonizing another member of the server, a lot of us did what really looked and sounded like demonizing *her* and that made how anybody felt and wanted to feel about the situation come out to be a lot more hostile and less willing to understand her or hear her. Which is not what should have happened at all.

I want to emphasize that I am not calling anybody out in particular as this also is something I did, am guilty of and have done before, and something that greatly effected how this entire situation even happened. This is far from the first time I’ve let my emotions get in the way of how I handle situations that require more care than I can give when I’m angry and I want to make that clear. This is not a targetted message, even though not all of you are who it applies to. But my point is: feel how you may about how she felt, it does not change that she was still feeling it and experiencing it and handling it how she was for that reason, it should be addressed. She felt as if I was victim-blaming her, I think that’s a strong word but my opinion on it doesn’t change how she was feeling.

The way it should have been handled would probably have been me myself putting a better effort in to make it clear that I heard how she was feeling, instead of jumping right into telling her that she was wrong for this and that. Was she? Yes. But both her feelings and what the actions that followed made other people feel can be addressed simultaneously in a way that makes her feel genuinely understood and heard, which I personally completely failed to do, any ounce of understanding sounded very ingenuine and she could tell, and that is completely on me. I will strive to do better because this is not a way I wish to be handling things like this.

My own anger got in the way of how this was handled and my attempts to manage the situation just plainly made me sound mean and like I wasn’t really there so hear her out. The reason she was upset was because it sounded like I didn’t really care and wasn’t trying to, and I can’t unfortunately say that I was, as I was really just. mad at her.

This is something I want to see avoided from more than just me.

My anger got in the way of handling this situation with any amount of care I should have, because I was more focused on how I was actively feeling about her. With the staff shifting into plainly talking shit, I feel this COULD have gone similarly had some other staff who had engaged in talking more rudely about her, because we were letting the conversation get more into how we dislike her for this and that, how we feel this way and that way about her general behavior and focusing more on that than what’s happening, how she felt and how to go about making sure this was handled in the best way it could be. I’m not accusing anyone of anything, this is just how I’m seeing the situation.

That being that we weren’t focusing enough on her rather than her actions. What she did over why she did that, what she’s actively feeling, even what she explicitly stated to be feeling wasn’t acknowledged with as much care as how frustrated we found her actions. While some provided more patience and understanding, those who found it frustrating (me too man) are valid in that because it was frustrating. But in my case, I should have taken time to cool off and put more thought into the situation beyond how it looked to me and how it was making me feel and I want to make sure all of you try to take that approach yourselves next time you need to handle something like this.

I hope that makes sense. Thank you very much for reading and understanding, if you did.

-MothImploded


txto