Hello, it’s lain. sorry for reaching out to you in this way. i am aware of how psychotic my behavior is but i’m doing this for cathartic release, especially after freaking out on you. i’m also reaching out because you have been a big part of my life.
you may find me explaining myself to be an attempt to guilt trip you, but you have done nothing wrong. the only thing you have done is not love somebody that loves you. you cannot control if you love somebody and i respect your agency. just because i am upset that you happen to not love me does not mean you have done anything wrong. it is natural for you to not love somebody.
from my perspective i am going to assume that you never want to speak to me again even though we talked about taking a break. like i’ve said multiple times everything i say or do seems to upset you. you say that the only reason you get upset with me is because i only vent to you and treat you like a journal, but it feels like even when i’m not venting to you that i unintentionally upset you. i am not saying this so guilt trip you or accuse you of being a bad person, i am saying this because i am recognizing in myself that in all the years we’ve known each other that i seem incapable of learning how to communicate with you. i would like to learn how, but at this point, i think that you have grown sick and tired of me. i know that you’ve said otherwise, that you’ve said you want me in your life, but your actions say differently. you’re more excited to talk to seb and your friends in general even though you claim to not prefer your friends, you’ve also ignored me multiple times and you have admitted to talking to your friends about how much of a burden i am to you. we have never been friends, even you have admitted this, i’ve been nothing more than a problem and a burden to you. something to deal with, something to put up with. you say that i need to change but to be honest i don’t think i’ll ever comprehend why talking about my life bothers you so much especially if you claim to love me. this is not even mentioning the fact that even though you claim otherwise it does seem like you’re trying to hide me from your friends. i’ve tried talking to you about other things and that seems to upset and irritate you just as much. i feel like you wanting to take a break from me is a way for you to leave me while alleviating the guilt that you feel, because you are aware that i am attached to you and that without you i am upset and a part of me feels like it’s missing. you asked me one time, if i feel like i hate you so much, why would i bother to talk to you? and i agree. you’re sick of me and i’m sick and tired of practically begging for you to like me. i won’t make you feel like you have to hide anything from your friends anymore. i do not think you w want to come back for me, anyway.
i do not want to talk to you again unless if you’re willing to tell me how to talk to you, not because i dislike you, but because i am tired of constantly chasing after you. the unrequited love is emotionally painful for me. i am tired of trying to love you and then realizing that you like your friends leagues more than me and trust them leagues more than me. the emotional pain of being hated by you has caused me to fear your judgement so badly that i can’t bear to be seen by you. i will never be good enough for you, i will never be attractive enough to you or even be able to communicate with you. i do feel like after we’ve hung out that you have subconsciously pulled away from me even though you’ll claim that it’s just my own self hatred.
none of this is meant to make you out to be a bad person. the only thing you’re “guilty” of is not loving me, which isn’t even a problem. why would you having your own agency be a problem? the problem is that you get angry with me and act like i’m a lunatic for saying that you don’t love me and then doing almost everything in the world that suggests otherwise.
i am never going to reach back out to you after this because i am exhausted of chasing after you. again, you have done nothing wrong. it’s natural for you to not love somebody but it’s also natural for me to be upset.
i don’t want to force you to like me anymore. if you do really want to reach back out to me, my friend aheng said that they don’t mind if you try to reach me through them. their insta is @cheodoling. i also think it’s better that way because you know how i social hop like every other day. it’s more reliable. i am also going to give my friend the login info to this burner, so that he can change it to something only he knows so i don’t end up spam messaging you.
this is an explanation but it’s also a goodbye because i’m under the impression that we’re never going to speak again. despite everything, i do love and miss you. i hope you have a good life. you deserve it. i wish i could have been better. i wish i could have learned to talk to you the way that your friends talk to you, i wish i didn’t get so absorbed into work and weed so maybe i could have had the time and motivation to make myself look nice for you, i wish i never told you more than half those things about my life especially about what was going on with me and Josephine at the time. maybe if i wasn’t so self absorbed and if i was less irritating and if i was more attractive you could have liked me more, you told me that it’s your fault too and you should learn to be a better friend or something that’s not true. it’s not your fault, you just happened to meet somebody you ending up not loving.
txto