I’m deliberately disobeying your wishes to be left alone, and I apologize for that, but I feel like this needs to be said. I don’t know whether you’ll see this, and after sending this I will be closing our messages, so I won’t be able to read any response. I hope you respect that, even though I doubt you will. But you can always prove me wrong. (I’m also going to delete this soon because I’m paranoid some rando will find this and somehow use it against you if they somehow find out who we are or whatever #schizo)
I apologize that you took my joke message personally. Looking back, I did realize that it was distasteful, and I regret how I reacted afterward. I was still in my splitting mindset, and your tone immediately set me off all over again. However, I want to be clear that I am not sorry for deciding to block you. That was a boundary I felt I needed to set.
I had already been struggling for several days, which you knew, and I was splitting frequently. After the situation happened, I felt like things escalated instead of being handled with understanding. When you explained the situation to Soni, the way it was presented made me feel as though I was being portrayed as unreasonable. When Soni blocked you, that was his own decision. Why did he block you? I don’t know fully, I could ask him but I don’t want to involve him. When you contacted him about it and immediately assumed it was because of me, then accused the situation of being about a “victim complex,” it felt unfair and immature. I had asked you to leave him out of the situation (whereas I admit, I did not approach you properly and I am sorry for that. I get angered and overprotective easily over Soni), and instead it turned into a conversation of you freaking out and attacking me.
What has hurt me the most is that this is not the first time I have felt like disagreements with you turn into me having to defend myself, because every time we have problems you seem to throw whatever insults you can at me that don’t align or even is the complete contradiction of what you usually say to me. You praise me and call me mature constantly, yet the moment I’m upset at you I’m apparently immature or something. You often say that you want accountability and honesty, but when someone brings up something difficult, it feels like your first response is to become wildly defensive rather than genuinely consider what is being said, which I understand is a trauma response, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. More importantly, I want to address the comparisons to Ameya. Being compared to him whenever there is conflict is something that deeply affects me and seems to be your very first response to anything negative towards you, that shows a lot about you. I understand that he caused you harm, but I am not him. I am my own person, and I don’t think it is fair for my mistakes or disagreements with you to immediately become connected to him. It feels severely hypocritical and childish of you, especially when you have always emphasized not wanting to be associated with the actions of your headmates. If I were to respond to you in the same way and compare you to your alter Kitty, who has attempted grooming, or your alter Sal, whose behavior has been shown as very racist, I know it would deeply upset you. So why are you picking and choosing? Rhetorical question.
I have known about the grooming the entire time, and I have seen the screenshots, yet I still chose to remain by your side. I also stayed by your side when I opened up to you about my experiences of being a snuff film victim as a child and seeing the horrific tweets from your proship account where you posted images of real children, and hearing your explanations that it’s fine because they were “actors” and that you were “reclaiming” your trauma. However, I don’t believe trauma can be reclaimed by sexualizing other real children. Regardless of your intentions, that is something I found deeply disturbing, and it affected the way I viewed your actions and judgment. I know I told you in that call that I didn’t mind, but I seriously did not know how to react to being in that situation. I was sort of in a fight or flight mode, and chose to just push it out of my head. (Which is on me! It’s my fault)
I have tried very hard not to define you by the worst things I have heard about you or by the actions of people connected to you. I have chosen to judge you based on my own experiences with you. I wish that same consideration had been extended toward me, because clearly it hasn’t since I’m apparently Ameya 2.0. The difficult truth is that our friendship became exhausting for me, which I’m sure was a mutual feeling. I often felt like I had to carefully manage every word, constantly reassure you, and put in extra effort to prevent misunderstandings. As a result, when I’d upset you over the littlest things, I’d feel like such a terrible friend that it would affect me for days, as it did. I am not saying this to call you a bad person. I’m saying this because these patterns have affected me, and I cannot continue ignoring how draining they have become. Especially when I have never had to do this with anyone else, even who has the most severe of mental illness.
I recognize my own faults, and I have apologized for the ways I have hurt you. I’m never going to forget our friendship as I will take it as a lesson and better myself from there on, I hope that one day you can also reflect on the ways your own behavior affects others. Accountability cannot only exist when it is directed outward; it has to exist inward as well. I don’t wish you harm, and I do not believe you are defined only by your mistakes. However, I do believe this friendship has reached a point where permanent distance is healthier for both of us.
I will not be contacting you again, and I ask that you respect that decision by not contacting me again either. If you feel anything I say in this message is truly wrongful of your character then I do apologize for the harm. I wish you well and that you hopefully adapt to be an adult one day.
txto