i write these all the time so i’ll just start talking about the true beginning, i always felt out of place in bm because everyone was so different than me so i always stayed with my group of people. alot of the staff we had disliked and you were included, i’m sure that my reason was envy and/or jealousy. i don’t know if it’s really obvious to you now, but i’ve always been a narcissist. there were a few times where i reached out to bella about inactive staff and your name came up and she told me that you were busy with school and other things so i shrugged that off but i slowly started to get interested in you even when we never really talked to eachother, but that went away after a while because of that fact. when bella kicked you i knew to get your side of the story, since realistically she would’ve never really confided in me like that since we weren’t close like that. if i recall correctly, me teto reyes willow and peachie had stopped talking by this time and i might’ve been disconnected from ecosplooge, so really all i had was you. i broke up with anna months prior since i found out i really just liked guys and of course thoughts of dating you started to cloud my mind, so i put all my time into you. it was always you above and before anyone else. all my attachment, (surely not platonic) love, interest, devotion, empathy, sympathy etc went towards you because you always saw me in a different light. and i also mimicked how you acted and other things you did so that we would stay together.

i never truly got over my groomer until you grabbed my attention. rain or jk, my groomer, would constantly sexualize me and also made me do things that no 12-13 year old should’ve been doing. anna would occasionally make dumb sexual joke about me doing things to her and all i could do is smile and nod while i just felt sick and dirty. the point is that i’ve always felt sexualized by many. not to mention that if things were never sexual with me i just would feel disgusted with myself, i fear i still have this mindset. i’ve been mentally unstable and suicidal for years, i’ve practically suffered my entire life, especially with sexual abuse. but when you came along, i’d like to say that you changed me for the better. even if we made sexual jokes, to me, it never felt like you had bad intentions with me like the others when i look back at them. my brain makes me think of absolutely fucked up things happening between you and me and it tells me that you do have ill intentions but i know deep down that you don’t.

i always worry about us. or just about you in general, i always think that you’re upset or mad at me. especially during the incident before the 17th. i knew you were nervous about me and draco and it completely fucked me over. i assumed that because of what happened i would lose the one person i was attached to, i spent all that time talking to you and giving you my all just to lose it all in one night. i didn’t want you to look at me differently so i told you my true feelings, after i did that i deleted discord and thought of ways to kill myself. i was afraid of your answer. everything was scaring me so i just cried myself to sleep that night, i woke up and redownloaded discord since i knew i would have to anyways and after that, my entire world shifted.

i felt so much closer to you than i ever felt before, you always gave me a purpose. everytime we called, talked or anything it just made me happy. i admired everything about you. it has never been easy for me to like people, but i truly cannot explain how much you really mean to me, there are no words to describe the connection i have to you because it’s so intense. everything that’s mine is yours, i will always do everything you ask me to, anything you want or need, i will try and help you acquire it. i’ll always be here for you no hesitation. i don’t expect anything from you, i just want you to know how much you matter to me. i never want you to worry about me leaving you because i can assure you that i’m yours and i’m not going anywhere. all i ask is that i’m able to stick around you, atleast until you get bored of me (if).

i’ve always been a paranoid and anxious person, online and in real life, either due to my illnesses or just because i’ve always been like this. i feel like you’ve been my fp even before we got together but i never really paid attention to it like that. i’ll be honest, i’ve done things to make you worry about me/pay more attention to me. i don’t really know why, but i know that one of the reasons is because of my attachment and fear of abandonment. i really can’t help but loathe any and everyone around you. my mood swings can get absolutely horrible most likely due to me being bipolar or borderline but i’m scared of losing you, i have so many flaws and i constantly feel exposed to you, though i know you would never exploit me.

my brain always tells me that i’m meant to be by myself which causes me to isolate constantly, but i’m glad i have you. i’ve never really been used to really expressing myself until now, because before, i was ignored. and i’m still not all used to this but i’m glad i can talk about things with you without being left in the dust.

thank you my katsuki, my akechi, my captain america, my magneto, my superman, my hamilton, my chance, my shadow, my zanka, my akutagawa, my nugget (this is js getting ridiculous), my marvin (i’m def gonna start calling you marvin Ok bite me), my kitty, my tobias, my toby

i love you so much


txto